your silence makes me crazy.
It takes a lot to say that something is fate,
I kind of know where you’re headed.
Am I too up front, or am I just on time?
Well where is your head at?” —
Lost. I have so many questions, and things that I left unsaid. One day you were here, and the next you were gone. Memories of you are fading with each day. I’m losing touch of the simple things; the way you smell, the way you used to look at me, or the way you felt against my skin when we slept. It’s slowly disappearing from my memory. I almost see it better that way. Devastation. Is all you left behind. I have gotten rid of everything of yours and anything that reminds me of you. But the one thing of yours I regret getting rid of, will always burn my memory. “All I can do is, keep breathing.” It has been almost two weeks and I feel like you were never even here. Until. You speak. I’m strong until you speak. Your innocent words of good intent burns through my skin, all the way to my heart. I can’t breathe. It is as if you know. That I am letting you go. When I think I’m pushing forward and learning how to take every step on my own, you knock me back down. Or sideways. Or backwards. You’re always here. No matter what I do. And I know myself better. I’ll give in, and forgive. The wall I just built, you crush it with ease. Who knew one person could have such control over another. Your manipulating words are transparent. I can’t believe I fell in again. I caught myself this time. “You’re pushing and pulling me down to you. But I don’t know what I want. You’re leaving me breathless, I hate this I hate this. You’re not he one I believe in. God as my witness.” Love. I feel it still. “I’ll wash away your sins and shortcomings, I’m on my knees.” You almost had me fooled. To reel me back in, with your sly words about life and change. When will your words turn into actions. When will you be the strong one, and change your ways. Not for me, but for you. You say you are lost, and I believe it. But you’re going to drown if you don’t go searching for yourself. “So tell me when you hear my heart stop, cause you’re the only one who knows. Know that when you leave, I fall.” I’m falling more and more everyday. But contrary to everything I just said; I want to be lost in you. I want to be pushed and pulled down to you. I want your pain. I want your love.
Today I start my first dance teaching job! I am super nervous but looking forward to the opportunity! Ah! :)